Feeling Fake

OK,  so currently in bed after coming home from work with a ridiculous headache. 

Yes,  very definitely stress. That is real. Currently feeling like the world has imploded on me. A mixture of responsibilities both real and imagined. Work, family and relationships. Grief, sadness ..  Everything. 

I know this is reality for myself and possibly the entire population of the world. I know that I am not alone, or a trailblazer in this,  but today – no amount of head knowledge is helping. 

What I am also thinking about is why,  as A Christian , that I can’t just ‘get over’ my worldly problems. Knowing that they are only fleeting and temporary? 

Why do I continue to look at other Christians who seem to ‘get it’ better than I do?  

That is what I mean about fake. I feel fake. A pretend Christian. Like I  am acting in a movie role. 

I know in my heart that I am truly saved. I don’t doubt it. I believe that Jesus died for me. Yet I still wrestle with how that looks in my life. I want to live in a way that shines Jesus’ victory on that cross. 

I want to live life better. For Him.  Without having to over think or continuously self analyze. Is that possible? 

Certainly if I am looking at my thoughts, words and deeds that has to be a positive?  Actually caring about when I screw up? 

I truly do. 

I know the name of my enemy. It is definitely ‘Comparison’ .. 

In a nutshell I compare myself to other Christians. Mostly subconsciously,  but sometimes in ways that are self torturing. 

In my mind I will never measure up. I don’t have a Christian husband. I don’t have perfect family relationships. I definitely don’t always conduct myself in a ‘manner worthy of the gospel’

I am absolutely a ‘What you see is what you get’ kinda gal. Freakingly imperfect. 

Maybe one day I will be different, better,  but I will never attain perfection. So any of my friends or family reading this. Sorry. I can only be me. I hope that you will see a little bit of Jesus somewhere in there. 

Our current series at Church is called ‘The Next You’ , it implies that we are all works in progress. 

Remind me that next time you see me beating myself up. 

😊🤐😰😉

com·par·i·son

  (kəm-păr′ĭ-sən)

n.

1.

a. The act of comparing or the process of being compared.

b. statement or estimate of similarities and differences.













 



Advertisements

A little something about me …

I am NOT a Procrastinator .. not really a super spontaneous personality either. I lie somewhere in between.

2017-06-20 06.41.53AWWWW … LOOK at the cute puppy …

What I do know about me, is that I AM A TIME WASTER …

Social Media really gets me in, like the proverbial Bunny in the headlights.

It’s like this pretty little sparkle of light … I am drawn in, like a moth to a flame.

ME :

Ohhhhh … A yummy recipe, I will save that for later. 

Oh YAYYY .. Mary Jane is on Holidays .. I would soooo love to go there !!!

The News .. Now that IS important !

Ohhh … Look , It’s the verse for today …

A Cute puppy … awwwww .. (now that is my weakness) *see above, this is one of my 3 dogs – just call him ‘Vinnie Monster’   .. for reasons which should be pretty clear from this photo.

Oh look … isn’t little Johnny sooo cute , 6 months old today – Oh how time flies !

And .. Before I know it – an hour has slipped by …

I must get up and do something (so much to cram –  in on my day off) ..

Then – I do some washing, clean the kitchen, change the sheets and towels and somehow end back up on my phone or the laptop. Facebook, Instagram. Check some emails.

This is the ridiculous cycle that I ALLOW myself to be consumed with.

TIME WASTING

I know the better option is to spend time with God, yet – Why is there something within me that chooses to ignore that ?

If I delve a little deeper into my thought processes, sometimes I avoid time in prayer, because I am a little scared of what God might reveal.

Or possibly that I don’t want to have to think about some change I know that I need to make. Or that I feel helpless in not being able to ‘FIX’ things that I think need to be fixed, and sitting quietly before God,  is the time when tears of pain or sadness – that I am subconsciously trying to push down – will inevitably bubble to the surface.

And even as I articulate these feelings and thoughts now – My head knows what is best – but my heart and emotions long for Rainbows, Lollipops and Unicorns to appear .. Oh yes – I know that I am being ridiculous – but I think that you may understand what I mean ..

My rainbow may be ‘ Happily Ever After’, resolved relationships, Healing – all good and noble things – but God isn’t in the habit of giving us everything that we long for (for very good reason) ..  *picture super – spoiled- tantrum – throwing –  brats,  across the world … Pleading for their own way and hissy-fitting when they don’t get it.

I may not ‘hissy-fit’ –  but I do feel disappointed when my life doesn’t go to the plan that I have in my head.

So my favourite verse is my ‘go – to’ this week – I pray that it will help you and I to rely on God more, and ourselves less.

PROVERBS 3 : 5-8 NIV

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;


in all your ways submit to him,


    and he will make your paths straight.[a]

Do not be wise in your own eyes;
    fear the Lord and shun evil.
This will bring health to your body
    and nourishment to your bones.

AMEN

 

 

‘Miss Understood’ 

Don’t you just hate it when someone misunderstands you? 

It is so frustrating and you just want to explain the facts … OR what you meant .. OR why you said or did something.

I think that being misunderstood is a huge reflection of my comfort in my own skin.

I want people to know that REAL Me ..

And sometimes they aren’t ready for it ..
OR I feel too vulnerable to let it all out ..

Even the fact that I might be too much for you scares me ..

Gosh .. You may really not like the ‘real’ me .. (sometimes I don’t like the real me) ..

My struggles are definitely a reality.

The more that I think about it, this whole subject of being misunderstood.. It is definitely an issue for me. It causes me pain.

I want to be loved and accepted for just being me .. No pretence .. No facade ..

‘Warts and All’.. As the saying goes.

I have found that not everyone is that accepting.

We are all coming from our own life perspective of ‘acceptable’ though.

I try to be accepting of others but sometimes they are so different to me that I struggle. Most times that may not be outwardly obvious .. But sometimes it is.

There in lies a part of the problem.

I believe that I have to accept myself first.

This is the REAL me.

Good and Bad. Happy and sad. Correct and wrong. Selfish. Confident. Afraid. Confused. Trusting. Distrusting. Trustworthy.
A leader and a follower.
A wife. A Mum. A Nan. A sister. A worker. A friend.
In a nutshell – I am COMPLEX.

We are all complex.

AND complicated.

My starting point is who I am in God.
Sounds too good to be true ???
The Bible is filled with references as to our value to Him. It’s something we’ve been discussing in our Bible study group.
We have been praying for each other and encouraging each other.

It has opened my eyes. It is softening my heart. It has helped me to understand myself a little better.

The Bible verse below illustrates the heart of what It is to be misunderstood.

Jesus himself got exactly how I feel ❤️ because He too was misunderstood.
HE .. GETS ME … What a gift 😊

  

W H A T ….

What happens when someone you care about, seems unable to be reached ???

Your heart is in anguish because you want to reach them … They seem distant – Or are really struggling themselves .. Or just want space .. or time .. or to be alone ?

It is tough .. You may feel spurned or rejected .. Or inadequate .. Or just plain sad, that you know that they are hurting, but still want to unplug or disconnect …

In those moments, days .. weeks .. or even years – How do you cope or deal with this ?

It may be a parent / child relationship – or your spouse, a sibling or a friend.

The pain you feel is no less real – whatever the connection.

As a woman, I believe our hearts desire is to want to fix things

and we ache when this seems to be out of our control.

Or it may be that WE are the ones who need to pull back, because our lives are complicated or overwhelmed and we are being pulled in many directions.

Sometimes these are short seasons of our lives .. and other times, it feels like they will … never … end …

I have no magic solution … I tread the same path as you.

Life is a complex and complicated array of relationships, events and circumstances.

Some days I get up and bound out of bed without fear of what lies ahead, and on others I go through the motions – wishing that I could pull the covers over my head and stay inside my cosy home away from the BIG, wide world outside my four walls.

One thing that I have learned, is that I cannot do life on my own.

I need girlfriends, family, friends and prayer to support and sustain me in the craziness of life.

And even more – this life is NOT all about me … No .. really … it’s not … 🙂

I am comforted to be a part of a Church family who are local and who care. They keep me honest and accountable.

I know that plugging in to the Bible – breathes encouragement into my mind and heart. Yet I often busy myself and it’s not the first place that I turn. I want AND need to get better at this – because based on my own experience – when I make the effort to seek God in prayer and through His word – my life is more balanced and manageable – Please note that I didn’t say easier 🙂

Some verses which I find encouraging , from the New International Version Bible (NIV)

‘ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;’ 2 Corinthians 4:8

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.’ Joshua 1:9

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.’  Isaiah 40:29

I know if you have a dig around in God’s word – that you won’t have to look far to find more encouragement. Please feel free to share with me – your own favourite verses 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pure Joy …

2016-12-28-19-48-07   Is there such a thing as P U R E   J O Y  ? 

Look at that perfect rose .. It wasn’t made by human hands ..

I think the saying to ‘take time to stop and smell the roses’ is darn good advice !

The word Joy conjures up a lot of thoughts and mixed emotions for me.

The joy of watching my grandchildren line up for a turn on a HUGE waterslide (pronounced ‘HOOOOOOOOGE’ by Miss 5 ) ..

The smiles on their faces as they get to hang out with their cousin at a movie under the stars.

The giggles that I shared with a friend recently, over the price increase of an ice cream cone at Macca’s (serious – belly-wobbling , tears – running – down – my cheeks, therapeutic – kind of giggles) !

The liberating joy of being understood AND accepted for just being you ..

The joy and building anticipation, of an impending holiday.

A ticket to a movie or show.

Joy amongst the pain and sadness in life – is such a blessing.

How do you find joy ?

What makes you smile ?

STOP .. NOW .. Just do it – I promise the investment in yourself will have lasting benefit.

Finding the good things that bring happiness into our world are so important. It doesn’t have to be a grand and expensive option – it may be as simple as stopping the housework to soak in the pleasure of a coffee with a friend . Reading a chapter of a book . Stopping to admire some scenery on your way home on your daily work commute.

Going for a walk – or watching the kids play …

I don’t know about you, but I can so easily – get caught up with work – or the things that need to be done . Just stopping for Ten minutes can be a reboot !

Definitely worth the effort .. The other stuff will still be there when you finish 🙂

‘Bring joy to your servant, Lord,
    for I put my trust in you.’

Psalm 86:4 New International Version (NIV)

 

 

I just can’t put it down …

The book beckons … I read .. I cry .. I put it down  .. I pick it up … read some more, put it down .. cry .. pick it back up.

This cycle continues .

I make a cup of tea. Hang out washing .. pick up the book .. read … cry.

GRIEF.  Still raw.

This book was lent to me by someone who truly understands the depths of grief.

Some days I struggle to face the world, my job, my responsibilities. Feel like I’m losing my mind ..

Some days I struggle just to be me ..

Just doing the familiar – the eat – sleep – go to work stuff is mostly on auto pilot.

I want to be present – I want to love, show love, be loved, love myself – enjoy life (and I can sometimes) – but my brave face is often not a true representation of what lies beneath ..

The burning desire inside of me is to run .. far away .. E S C A P E

I don’t even know from what I want to escape .. I yearn to be reckless .. get out of control .. take risks – but I know that none of those things are me .. Would it even make me feel different – better – satisfied ?

I doubt it at all .. primarily because none of those things can make a person return to this earth – take away grief – heal a broken heart.

I’m pretty sure that grief is different for all of us – it’s not something that has a timeline or a time limit . Grief changes us. We have a ‘new normal’ .. whatever our normal is ..

Nothing feels normal to me anymore – some things are certainly familiar – but somehow there is someone else lurking within me that screams to be heard – Like a jack-in-the-box .. but with a really scary face .. It is the face of the unfamiliar, the unknown, the fearful.

These things I do know . God loves me and is real. I have family and friends who care (and if I actually let them know how I was truly feeling, perhaps they would have an opportunity to demonstrate that care) .

What makes me hold it all together ? I wish I knew.

Do I have all of the answers ? Definitely not.

Can I keep going? I will.

How can I find the purpose of my life in my sadness ? I pray that time will tell.

So -right now – I am choosing to take comfort in God’s word.

4 Blessed is the one
    who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
    to those who turn aside to false gods.[a]

Psalm 40:4 New International Version (NIV)

 

 

 

 

 

Familiar Medical Logo ….

2016-09-06 14.11.31

Flouorometholone Eye Drops

So often I  see people write or quote these three little letters

‘ F M L ‘

I’m sure that they do it in such a flippant way, that they don’t realise how it really sounds …

But –  if you stop and think about it’s meaning – it makes out that life is so bad that it’s not worth living  … Or that’s certainly how it sounds to me .

It makes me cringe at times, to be honest.

I’m not saying that life can’t be tough – or frustrating – or that we don’t get hurt and feel crappy – or exhausted.

I am saying that we ALL have stuff going on in our lives that makes us sad and I love that people are real and honest about not pretending that it is any other way …

Life matters – It has ups and downs for everyone.

All of us.

No pretence necessary.

It’s good to laugh and have fun with your friends … make happy memories with your family. It’s also good to tell them when it’s tough and it sucks and you just can’t handle stuff.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

It’s also OK to say NO when you need to ..

No – I cant work overtime … No I’m already doing something.

No – I need to spend time with my family, friends, husband and/or children ..

Truth is – we can miss out on so much of the important stuff if we say yes to everything that comes our way. Time passes and you can’t get it back.

Flatout Making Lasting memories … That’s what FML should really mean 🙂

‘No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.’ 1 Corinthians 10:13