Okay … I just don’t know if there is a ‘right’.. or a ‘wrong’ time to blog my thoughts ?
Now may – NOT – be – it ..
but I am struggling … Struggling a LOT ..
I am feeling stretched in a million directions .. wanting to BE everything .. to those that I care about …
Wanting to GIVE everything to my new job … wanting to pray, to read .. to just BE …
Life feels like it’s closing in at times and that joy has somehow leaked out of my system …
In my head and my heart I KNOW that God is definitely present .. and that He cares about me … but what I am doing to help myself ?
How do I live each day in the sure and secure knowledge that I don’t have to BE EVERYTHING TO EVERYBODY ?????
This is where my struggle seems to be the biggest … I am hardwired to be the best I can be – I recently realised that I am also competitive – (clearly never in a sporting context though) , but if I do something – I REALLY want to do it well !!!
Life hasn’t felt this hard since I had little kids .. and I fumbled my way through each day .. wanting to excel at Motherhood .. yet knowing inside I was not ‘doing so good’..
Frankly – I feel like one of those Circus performers- who – whilst riding a Unicycle, can juggle, and spin plates on each and every limb – all at once … EXCEPT … I am dropping the plates and my unicycle is almost off balance ..
How long (I wonder) – before I fall off completely ???
In all honesty – I don’t know what the solution is ..
I wholeheartedly LOVE and want to be there for my family … I wholeheartedly believe that I am in the job God wants me in ..may be that’s my problem ???
MY WHOLE HEART ???
W H O L E
Maybe it’s enough to give a part of me to each thing ? Allowing God to ‘fill the gaps’???
I think that I may be onto something here ???
I have been ‘caught in a trap’ *insert Elvis’ voice here*
It’s the trap of I-have-to-do-everything-myself aka ‘fix-everything’ …
I could go on about being the ‘over-responsible oldest child in the family’ … but can’t blame that ..(although it IS a part of what makes me , ME) …
Just when I think that I have ‘grown’ or ‘matured in my faith’.. Something comes along that ‘throws me for a loop’.. Which is, in a sense, really good – because It reminds me that I will always be dependant on God .. that I will never be perfect .. and the greatest reminder of all … and the most liberating .. I don’t have to do it all myself …
Now .. this may be a lightning bolt moment .. but one thing that I am sure of is … I will at some point regress .. and God will have to remind me again .. that He is in control …
But for now – I am thankful. I shall pray for those I love (and those I need to love) .. I shall continue to be the best I can be (but remember that I definitely don’t have to be all things to all people) …
‘but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.’
Isaiah 40:31 NIV