A Mothers Heart …

2015-04-28 12.34.01 So .. tomorrow is Mothers day …

This morning I read a very interesting piece regarding Mothers day … and a lot of it resonated with me ..

I shall start with an excerpt .. It is written by a Christian – who is no nonsense and tells it ‘like it is’.. far better than I would ever have the courage to do.

Her name is Anne Lamott, this excerpt is from her Facebook page, today the 9th of May 2015.

‘I did not raise my son, Sam, to celebrate Mother’s Day. I didn’t want him to feel some obligation to buy me pricey lunches or flowers, some annual display of gratitude that you have to grit your teeth and endure. Perhaps Mother’s Day will come to mean something to me as I grow even dottier in my dotage, and I will find myself bitter and distressed when Sam dutifully ignores the holiday. Then he will feel ambushed by my expectations, and he will retaliate by putting me away even sooner than he was planning to — which, come to think of it, would be even more reason to hate Mother’s Day.’

So .. for me personally – Mother’s day is a day on which I feel immense guilt .. I have not and know that I will never measure up to what society holds dear in it’s expectation of what a Mum should be .. I don’t have the Hallmark imprint on my Mothering, and I find that it’s the one day of the year that I feel the most inadequate as a woman .. Like I have let down myself, my family and the institution of Motherhood around the world ..

That’s pretty tough to admit .. but nonetheless it’s true – it’s my feelings .. I own them ..

There are so many tears shed over a life time of things that I could have done better, not done at all, should have done .. CANNOT change …

If I allowed myself to think too much about these things – I (and my box of Kleenex), would never leave my bedroom ..

I suspect that I may not be alone in my thoughts ?

Truth is …  I am imperfect …

Yep – Big surprise there 🙂

As I struggle to do things differently to how I used to do them when my children were little .. thinking about my families needs in a different light .. now that they are grown up ..

I try to put myself in their shoes, see things from their perspective .. I want so much to fix everything and make it better .. That is where the guilt springs from .. I can’t .. I never will be able to ‘Do Over’ what I screwed up .. I cannot make their lives easier, or better, or peaceful .. or tell them what does and doesn’t work .. because in reality – we all have our own path to take .. or our own ideas on child raising, our own capacity to love another .. and we bring into that what we learned from our own parents .. the good and the bad ..

Tomorrow for me is NOT a celebration of Mothers .. it’s a day that I will get to ‘hang with the fam’.. yep .. however that pans out .. Make new memories with the grandkids .. Spend time with my sister … I won’t see one of my kids .. but we had a great chat this morning .. about stuff ..

That is my reality ..

I must choose to live it – just the way it is .. and thankfully … I am not alone …

‘Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.’ Ecclesiastes 11:5 NLT

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