The book beckons … I read .. I cry .. I put it down .. I pick it up … read some more, put it down .. cry .. pick it back up.
This cycle continues .
I make a cup of tea. Hang out washing .. pick up the book .. read … cry.
GRIEF. Still raw.
This book was lent to me by someone who truly understands the depths of grief.
Some days I struggle to face the world, my job, my responsibilities. Feel like I’m losing my mind ..
Some days I struggle just to be me ..
Just doing the familiar – the eat – sleep – go to work stuff is mostly on auto pilot.
I want to be present – I want to love, show love, be loved, love myself – enjoy life (and I can sometimes) – but my brave face is often not a true representation of what lies beneath ..
The burning desire inside of me is to run .. far away .. E S C A P E …
I don’t even know from what I want to escape .. I yearn to be reckless .. get out of control .. take risks – but I know that none of those things are me .. Would it even make me feel different – better – satisfied ?
I doubt it at all .. primarily because none of those things can make a person return to this earth – take away grief – heal a broken heart.
I’m pretty sure that grief is different for all of us – it’s not something that has a timeline or a time limit . Grief changes us. We have a ‘new normal’ .. whatever our normal is ..
Nothing feels normal to me anymore – some things are certainly familiar – but somehow there is someone else lurking within me that screams to be heard – Like a jack-in-the-box .. but with a really scary face .. It is the face of the unfamiliar, the unknown, the fearful.
These things I do know . God loves me and is real. I have family and friends who care (and if I actually let them know how I was truly feeling, perhaps they would have an opportunity to demonstrate that care) .
What makes me hold it all together ? I wish I knew.
Do I have all of the answers ? Definitely not.
Can I keep going? I will.
How can I find the purpose of my life in my sadness ? I pray that time will tell.
So -right now – I am choosing to take comfort in God’s word.
4 Blessed is the one
who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.[a]
Psalm 40:4 New International Version (NIV)