OK, so currently in bed after coming home from work with a ridiculous headache.
Yes, very definitely stress. That is real. Currently feeling like the world has imploded on me. A mixture of responsibilities both real and imagined. Work, family and relationships. Grief, sadness .. Everything.
I know this is reality for myself and possibly the entire population of the world. I know that I am not alone, or a trailblazer in this, but today – no amount of head knowledge is helping.
What I am also thinking about is why, as A Christian , that I can’t just ‘get over’ my worldly problems. Knowing that they are only fleeting and temporary?
Why do I continue to look at other Christians who seem to ‘get it’ better than I do?
That is what I mean about fake. I feel fake. A pretend Christian. Like I am acting in a movie role.
I know in my heart that I am truly saved. I don’t doubt it. I believe that Jesus died for me. Yet I still wrestle with how that looks in my life. I want to live in a way that shines Jesus’ victory on that cross.
I want to live life better. For Him. Without having to over think or continuously self analyze. Is that possible?
Certainly if I am looking at my thoughts, words and deeds that has to be a positive? Actually caring about when I screw up?
I truly do.
I know the name of my enemy. It is definitely ‘Comparison’ ..
In a nutshell I compare myself to other Christians. Mostly subconsciously, but sometimes in ways that are self torturing.
In my mind I will never measure up. I don’t have a Christian husband. I don’t have perfect family relationships. I definitely don’t always conduct myself in a ‘manner worthy of the gospel’
I am absolutely a ‘What you see is what you get’ kinda gal. Freakingly imperfect.
Maybe one day I will be different, better, but I will never attain perfection. So any of my friends or family reading this. Sorry. I can only be me. I hope that you will see a little bit of Jesus somewhere in there.
Our current series at Church is called ‘The Next You’ , it implies that we are all works in progress.
Remind me that next time you see me beating myself up.