Feeling Fake

OK,  so currently in bed after coming home from work with a ridiculous headache. 

Yes,  very definitely stress. That is real. Currently feeling like the world has imploded on me. A mixture of responsibilities both real and imagined. Work, family and relationships. Grief, sadness ..  Everything. 

I know this is reality for myself and possibly the entire population of the world. I know that I am not alone, or a trailblazer in this,  but today – no amount of head knowledge is helping. 

What I am also thinking about is why,  as A Christian , that I can’t just ‘get over’ my worldly problems. Knowing that they are only fleeting and temporary? 

Why do I continue to look at other Christians who seem to ‘get it’ better than I do?  

That is what I mean about fake. I feel fake. A pretend Christian. Like I  am acting in a movie role. 

I know in my heart that I am truly saved. I don’t doubt it. I believe that Jesus died for me. Yet I still wrestle with how that looks in my life. I want to live in a way that shines Jesus’ victory on that cross. 

I want to live life better. For Him.  Without having to over think or continuously self analyze. Is that possible? 

Certainly if I am looking at my thoughts, words and deeds that has to be a positive?  Actually caring about when I screw up? 

I truly do. 

I know the name of my enemy. It is definitely ‘Comparison’ .. 

In a nutshell I compare myself to other Christians. Mostly subconsciously,  but sometimes in ways that are self torturing. 

In my mind I will never measure up. I don’t have a Christian husband. I don’t have perfect family relationships. I definitely don’t always conduct myself in a ‘manner worthy of the gospel’

I am absolutely a ‘What you see is what you get’ kinda gal. Freakingly imperfect. 

Maybe one day I will be different, better,  but I will never attain perfection. So any of my friends or family reading this. Sorry. I can only be me. I hope that you will see a little bit of Jesus somewhere in there. 

Our current series at Church is called ‘The Next You’ , it implies that we are all works in progress. 

Remind me that next time you see me beating myself up. 






a. The act of comparing or the process of being compared.

b. statement or estimate of similarities and differences.


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