Before Work …

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Ok .. sooooo who has time to begin blogging before they go to work ???

Clearly I do …

And the above picture encapsulates how I attempt to begin my day (not always successfully, by the way) …
Bible. . Notepad. . Highlighter . .
And a heart bursting at the seams with a complex mixture of love / loss / happy /sad /need /desire … etc ..

There is so much of my life that I love and appreciate ..
And other things which cause me pain and sadness.

Mornings (especially because I am Not a morning person) are usually a slow start.
I set my alarm for 2 hours before I need to leave home .. I bound (not really).. more accurately is *stumble .. from bed .. Aim for the kitchen and switch on the coffee machine ..
Once that sweet Cappacino foam, covered in chocolate, hits my lips .. there begins my ability to think about my day.

The dogs sleep blissfully at my feet… (Hoping that it’s my day off and then they get to stay inside).

Today though . . No chance . .

I am thankful for the sunshine and blue sky outside..
My thoughts turn to the things on my mind and heart. .

Today it is my family.

The complexity of relationships. .
Unique personalities .. The way we are shaped by who we are and also by the environment in which we were raised.

My thoughts turn to prayer.

I was especially touched recently by the movie ‘War Room’.
It is about relationships and prayer. Both are things very close to my heart ..

Prayer changes us .. prayer – in line with God’s spirit – makes us more like Him .. keeps us honest, accountable .. allows us to love others in ways that don’t just come naturally.
We become more sacrificial. .less selfish. . God uses us in ways that we don’t expect and couldn’t imagine. . I love it when that happens. . You just know that it’s Him ..

I learn to trust more and fear less ..

This past year has had lots of challenges for me personally.

I have a precious friend who has a difficult health challenge … yet being the amazing and Godly example she has always been .. continues to love God and extend grace to those around her. Still managing to smile and be an encouragement ๐Ÿ™‚

I endured a job situation which was abusive and drove me to a state of mind that I never thought possible from a ‘job’ ..

There are people close to me with health challenges ..
Physical .. emotional .. battles to be fought and God willing, to be won ..

And yet somehow . . Not by anything I can ‘conjure up’ .. but by knowing the one who created me .. I don’t just ‘survive’ ..

I live each day ..
Thankful ..
That God has a plan ..
And a purpose .. for me ..

Not just me .. But you . .

YES ..

YOU

as well.

For I know the plans I have for you,โ€ says the Lord. โ€œThey are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. [12] In those days when you pray, I will listen. [13] If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.
Jeremiah 29 : 11-13 NLT

Don’t Know .. Or .. am I sinking in the quicksand of life ?

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Okay … I just don’t know if there is a ‘right’.. or a ‘wrong’ time to blog my thoughts ?

Now may – NOT – be – it ..
but I am struggling … Struggling a LOT ..

I am feeling stretched in a million directions .. wanting to BE everything .. to those that I care about …
Wanting to GIVE everything to my new job … wanting to pray, to read .. to just BE …

Life feels like it’s closing in at times and that joy has somehow leaked out of my system …

In my head and my heart I KNOW that God is definitely present .. and that He cares about me … but what I am doing to help myself ?

How do I live each day in the sure and secure knowledge that I don’t have to BE EVERYTHING TO EVERYBODY ?????

This is where my struggle seems to be the biggest … I am hardwired to be the best I can be – I recently realised that I am also competitive – (clearly never in a sporting context though) , but if I do something – I REALLY want to do it well !!!

Life hasn’t felt this hard since I had little kids .. and I fumbled my way through each day .. wanting to excel at Motherhood .. yet knowing inside I was not ‘doing so good’..

Frankly – I feel like one of those Circus performers- who – whilst riding a Unicycle, can juggle, and spin plates on each and every limb – all at once … EXCEPT … I am dropping the plates and my unicycle is almost off balance ..
How long (I wonder) – before I fall off completely ???

In all honesty – I don’t know what the solution is ..

I wholeheartedly LOVE and want to be there for my family … I wholeheartedly believe that I am in the job God wants me in ..may be that’s my problem ???

MY WHOLE HEART ???

MY ….
W H O L E
Heart ????

Maybe it’s enough to give a part of me to each thing ? Allowing God to ‘fill the gaps’???

I think that I may be onto something here ???

I have been ‘caught in a trap’ *insert Elvis’ voice here*

It’s the trap of I-have-to-do-everything-myself aka ‘fix-everything’ …

I could go on about being the ‘over-responsible oldest child in the family’ … but can’t blame that ..(although it IS a part of what makes me , ME) …

Just when I think that I have ‘grown’ or ‘matured in my faith’.. Something comes along that ‘throws me for a loop’.. Which is, in a sense, really good – because It reminds me that I will always be dependant on God .. that I will never be perfect .. and the greatest reminder of all … and the most liberating .. I don’t have to do it all myself …

Now .. this may be a lightning bolt moment .. but one thing that I am sure of is … I will at some point regress .. and God will have to remind me again .. that He is in control …

But for now – I am thankful. I shall pray for those I love (and those I need to love) .. I shall continue to be the best I can be (but remember that I definitely don’t have to be all things to all people) …

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.’
Isaiah 40:31 NIV